Song of Solomon 8:4,
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
I love you. Saranghaeyo. Mahal Kita. Mo nifẹ rẹ. Ke a go rata.
Love is a language on its own and one that is understood no matter where we are and no matter what kind of language we speak or the colours of our skin. One thing I have realised is that God’s love is the BEST LOVE and one we need to emulate to live in peace in this world.
Growing up, like most girls I was obsessed with wedding stuffs especially the attires for the day and the whole concept of romance.
For some strange reasons, I could imagine how I would meet my “future husband” but never could picture or fantasize about my wedding day. It was just not forthcoming. Over the years, I saved hundreds of bridal attires, created Pinterest boards for weddings (I am totally organised about it); from grooms’ attires to that of the mothers and even culturally inspired ones.
Now, my original plan (oh, the futility of human thinking!) was that I should be married by 25 years of age and it would take place in a week or two weeks before Christmas so that I could spend the Christmas of that year with my new family. I celebrated my 25th year and I was still single (I still thank God for that because I was nowhere ready for courtship let alone marriage) and not searching. I was trying to recover from years of untreated emotional breakdown and was trying to fight depression too. I had two marriage proposals that year but I turned it all down because I knew I was in a bad shape and would be of no good in a romantic relationship plus I was on a quest to stabilize my career. Bottom line? I was just not interested in getting married!
When I was at Junior High School (ages 12-14), I promised myself (and God sealed it for it is not by might nor power but by God’s Spirit and grace that made it possible) that I wouldn’t date while still a student. That means no boyfriend until I complete my tertiary education. Think it was crazy? I was happy that way plus I became a book worm and became intensely driven by my desire to grow in my career path as a professional writer, composer and legal practitioner.
Another major reason for not dating was that becoming a major bookworm overnight meant I was never going to compromise my studies for a guy. It wouldn’t be fair on him because I might never make time to allow the relationship to grow. Thoughtful right?
Eventually, I saw courtship as an “obstacle”to achieving my career goals and swore men off until I say so. When guys asked me out, my answer was ready like a programed machine, “NO!” I began to see men as destiny destroyers, liars, manipulators (several other negative adjectives comes to mind) and whenever a guy gets too nice, I already completed my evaluation and his score? A big fat ZERO!I just didn’t want any distractions.
My little sis (she is so much wiser than I am) told me that I could be married and still actively pursue and succeed in my career but as much as I knew that was true I was determined to be a woman who achieved all without a man by her side. The reality was that I was broken, hurting, tired of betrayals from loved ones and declared that love was weakness and not a virtue nor strength. But once I allowed God to begin the healing process (what a journey!), I was able to not just breathe to stay alive, I began to live completely.
I am about to hit the big fat 30 and still single. My feelings? I am not afraid of being single till that number or after it has passed because I have grown out of the belief that marriage is the ultimate and that some things needs to be done at certain times because everything in this world has a season and time. My faith in God went through major tests that nearly crippled it for good but my Abba being who He is, was not far behind and though the journey to recovery was hellish, I am alive today and will confidently declare, “THERE IS NO GOD LIKE JEHOVAH AND THERE IS NO LOVE LIKE HIS!!!”
I used to think that there is a “soul mate, the one, Mr. Right” and so on. I thought that first love equals to only love and what made it even more solid was the numerous Soapies and Disney fairy tales we watched growing up about your one true love and all living happily ever after. I was such a hopeless romantic. I matured rather slowly where emotions were concerned as I was and still to an extent a sheltered child. Today, I am growing in my love walk and shedding off a lot of myths and misconceptions about marriage as well as preparing for when “Nae Sarang” will show up.