1 Corinthians 10: 12
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!
It is said that “you are here today and tomorrow you are not.” I’m sure many of us must have seen articles and even YouTube videos about “where are they now?” Celebrities both in the secular world and even in Christendom all found themselves at this junction one time in their lives, careers and calling. One day they were the most searched on the internet; Number 1 on the music charts; getting awards from everywhere and then suddenly everything goes quiet. There is a new “IT” singer, dancer, preacher…the list goes on and on.
There are seasons and time in our lives when nothing makes sense. You began the year on a promising note and had a to do list of what you want to achieve and what gave you courage most were people around you that made it worthwhile.
Like many others I started this year on a promising note. Top on my list was my spiritual life going into higher dimensions…grow closer to God like never before. I started well and was doing well. Like many other times, I forgot that the race is not for the swift nor the battle for the strong. I was happy. I was reading my Bible, praying regularly and doing all I needed and desired to do. I wanted to write more songs, become more healthy, fast more, get a big time job and even maybe get engaged.
But TOP ON MY LIST WAS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.
Just when I was enjoying the grace to do all I desired to do, things began to fall apart. I had seen the cracks showing me things were about to go wrong but I kept believing that I got it all together. The first to go was my health that was just picking up after a December 2017 nightmare. My voice started having problems because of my health problems making worshiping and praising a painful and depressive task every weekend. My team was having problems. A neighbour died. A close relative betrayed me (again) beyond words could describe, and someone I planned my life around; someone that was more than a friend (and no it isn’t a guy) left in the most heart breaking manner. In the end, my peace, joy and my relationship with God suffered. I retreated to a shell; broken, hurt, shattered, lost, confused and angry.
My health was so bad that my body nearly shut down. My Blood pressure skyrocketed that nurses that attended to me got scared that at my age I shouldn’t have the number that became a new part of my life. I was in pain 24/7; my breathing was laborious, body weakness, felt faint like I could pass out at any moment, nausea, chest pains, body pains. I thought I was going to die. To think I might have been on death’s door would have been denying the fact before me.
A pharmacist asked me whether there was a history of hypertension in my family and the first Doctor got spooked by my Blood Pressure and symptoms that she requested that an ECG (Electrocardiogram) be done. The second Doctor that interpreted the ECG graph asked me so many questions…are you dating? How is your family situation? What is bothering you? He concluded that there was an interruption in the electrical activity of my heart but my heart itself was fine. He spoke about emotional, psychological and social triggers. In the end, I had to let go of whatever was bothering me because what I was experiencing could kill me and sure many had died from it.
I couldn’t pray…I didn’t want to pray about God healing me. I was surrounded by thoughts of death as my body weakened day by day. I was surrounded by so much hurt and heart ache that I just wanted to be left alone to feel sorry for myself. When I got the courage to pray I did but most of the time I was just in a limbo. I felt God should have prevented all that happened but once again, I was broken by the people I trusted with my life. I couldn’t find the strength to get up from the ash heap I was buried in. I breathed in pain. Spent my days depressed and nights drenching my pillows with tears before drifting to sleep after midnight.
I didn’t know why I found myself again in a pit God rescued me from? How did I get to this low point? How could I be a fool once again and make people my trust, hope and life? God clearly ministered to me that I was doing it again. What Abba? Depending on others for emotional and spiritual stability. If they were with you, you were happy. When they disappoint you, you come crashing down.
At that point, the only song that fitted me was Fifth Harmony’s song; “who are you?” I couldn’t make peace that I was rejected and abandoned again. I wanted to let go and run away. I wanted to leave the country and never come back. I wanted to stay angry and bitter. But I also remembered Prophet. T. B. Joshua’s messages on offense and that we should love without expectations. The truth is, I didn’t want money or clothes or material gains from my relationships with others. All I ever wanted was to belong, loved and have my own crew…”a best friend and family.” More thoughts bombarded my mind as I tried to find closure…maybe I said something wrong; did something wrong; maybe I was too clingy; maybe I was just not good enough of a friend that years of friendship went down the drain.
How did I get here? To a place where I shut Jehovah out and made pain my company? How did I get to a place where prayer became burdensome? How did I once again got disconnected from God? Guilt seeped into my veins like treacherous smoke building the walls separating me and God higher and stronger. Today, I felt that disconnection again. It has been a struggle to have lost so much in a short space of time. I just couldn’t come to terms with it. I haven’t got my voice back till now and in fact lost it completely last week (lol). I felt I lost my life even though I am alive because a huge part of me is gone.
I am picking myself up but I hate the pace. I have been making progress for about two months now and I have God, family, my little sis, wonderful friends (that I nearly sent away) and progress made in my writing (thank you Jesus!!!) to thank for that. I might not be where I want but I won’t give up. I am learning to be without “a best friend (s)”, my voice (for now) and many things that became a mini-god in my life. When I remember the several articles I read on the internet in my quest to find closure…I still laugh and cry (good one). Life is a journey. Everything and people in our lives have seasons and if it is people’s time to leave even if they are forcing themselves out or leave in the most heart wrenching manner, don’t lose yourself or let a part of you leave with them, leaving others who care with a shell. Get better not only for yourself but others God placed in your care. Even I have friends that I am no longer close with. There is probably some people out there that I have hurt too (Lord, have mercy!) This is the cycle of life. We can never really please others and vice versa.
Friends, do you really love God? If many things are taken away from your life, will God still remain or would He be forced out? If you are like me, get up and live again. Breathe again. Love again…like God (without expectations), rejoice, learn through the process and hold your head up high because greater is Jesus in you than anything or anyone that stays or leaves. You are sons and daughters of a mighty King.
I leave you all under God’s Mighty Grace and this great song by Jamie Grace.
DO LIFE BIG. YOU HAVE ONLY ONE LIFE TO LIVE.